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(03/23/18 5:32am)
RATING: NO/7
Recently, one of the most exciting voices in modern indie music has emerged from the suburbs of one of America’s major cities. Years of experience in a local DIY scene has lead him to seamlessly blend elements of indie rock and hiphop, drawing on his background in spoken word to craft lengthy streams of consciousness lamenting young love, loneliness, and suburban ennui. The result is playful, yet vulnerable music that encapsulates the uncertainties and anxieties of Generation Z, and speaks to a potential future as a torchbearer for the kind of hiphop championed by artists like Chance the Rapper.
That artist is Kweku Collins.
The halfstached young man you see above is “Hobo Johnson,” a Sacramento-based artist who makes music best described as the bastard child of Twenty-One Pilots and the Front Bottoms. Dickhead Sconeson has recently been praised by such esteemed outlets as “UNILAD Sound,” the Facebook promoted video advertising, and people from your high school who think John Green is the greatest author of all time. Through this completely organic buzz, his “live from oak park” series on Youtube has managed to accumulate quite a number of views- chief among them the now (in)famous video for “Peach Scone,” where he has captivated millions by getting uncomfortably close to the camera, swallowing his mic whole, and wriggling around like an eight year old with a full bladder. In it, he claims, “I’m actually not a rapper, I’d like to say a musician,” implying that he’s somehow above the mere label of “rapper”.
Visiting his debut record, The Rise of Hobo Johnson, reveals this to not be entirely incorrect, because being a rapper requires rhythm, cadence, wordplay, charisma, vocal technique, stage presence, and pretty much everything that Tangent Cosine doesn’t have. Instead, he uses “spoken word” as an excuse to formlessly ramble about his abysmal love life, his parents’ dysfunctional marriage, and his abysmal love life, making Lil Pump (ooh) look like Aesop Rock in comparison.
Within a scant nine tracks, he manages to tick off every stereotypical “nice guy”, proto-incel checkbox there is: believing he’s owed companionship for mere perseverance on “Mario and Link,” preemptively cursing women for leaving him and being miserable with other men on “Romeo and Juliet,” complaining about “Chad” and “Stacy” types in “The Ending,” moaning and groaning about being unlovable and ugly on “Sex in the City,” and basing his identity and self-worth completely in relation to women around the entire record. Whatever tender or genuine moments this album may have are completely ruined by Blowjob Nonsense’s inability not to say weird shit, including but not limited to: poorly-aged declarations that he’s a combination of Will Smith, Michael Cera, and Kevin Spacey, a completely random tangent about police brutality during a declaration of love, and a rumination on a hypothetical Alien-Predator sex scene. While the instrumentals are completely unremarkable and inoffensive, this unfortunately works against Yoko Onoson, as there is absolutely nothing to redeem his vocal performance and lyricism.
Now, subject matter alone is not enough to damn this record. After all, the pantheon of straight dude rock music contains many artists who’ve committed sins greater than Rowboat Consent’s nice guy whining: Father John Misty wrote “Nothing Good Ever Happens at the Goddamn Thirsty Crow” about objectifying his wife as something that belongs to him and bragging about her “[getting] down more often than a blowup doll.” Rivers Cuomo wrote “Across the Sea” about licking and masturbating to a letter from a high school girl. Even John Lennon wrote “Jealous Guy” about the fact that he was a cheating wifebeater. What is damning is that Dateline Hanson still somehow manages to come off as significantly more pathetic and detestable than any of the artists above. He presents his behavior without a shred of self-awareness— petulant but never repentant, self-pitying but never self-reflective— and doesn't even have the talent to write a moving melody or lyrics.
Typically, the art is separated from the artist. However, given how egotistical and self-centered the record is, in order to fully understand it we must understand its context, which is the delusion that “females” love him, obsessive behavior over a woman who wants nothing to do with him, and perhaps most disgusting, an enjoyment of Hopsin. While I will concede that Frank Lopes the person is probably at least trying to be a decent guy, considering how he’s been handling the many nastier criticisms that’ve been levied against him, Hobo Johnson embodies a fundamentally unlikable, toxic mindset and attitude. Stylistically, his music is equivalent to the trend-hopping Korean taco truck run by white people who have never had either Korean food or tacos, and substance-wise, his lyrics reflect the maturity and skill level of the average high school freshman, and would likely warrant a call home if presented in English class.
I’d hate to end on that note, so instead I’ll suggest alternatives: listen to Hotel Books, Listener, Milo (who’s headlining Culture Shock 2018), or the aforementioned Kweku Collins. Watch Button Poetry’s content. Drink a big glass of Respect Women Juice. But whatever you do, do not listen to this album.
BEST TRACKS: "CREVE COEUR 1," MARGINALLY
WORST TRACKS: EVERYTHING ELSE
https://open.spotify.com/album/0095MTBiktiJ9U3fc1SwTa
Dan Lee should probably be writing with a pseudonym.
(03/14/18 2:35pm)
4/7
The British trio, consisting of vocalist Sarah Midori Perry and producers Gus Lobban & Jamie Bulled, rose to prominence with colorful, fun pop-hop incorporating Japanese rapping, electronic production, and happy-go-lucky lyricism. However, those traits are nowhere to be found on this record, with the band instead eschewing their established style in favor of guitar-driven power pop.
Lead single “Only Acting” garnered attention earlier this month for a lo fi music video and, noisy, glitched out ending. Steady, big power chords à la Weezer meets Perry’s lamentations about losing herself in a stage persona, hinting at the motivations for the shift in style as well as providing the EP’s standout track.
However, on the rest of the record the melancholia comes off not as honest vulnerability, but more as an affectation due to rather generic lyrics and Perry’s aloof performance. Despite hints of brilliance, with the singsong chorus of “You Know How It Is” evoking the songwriting of contemporaries such as Jeff Rosenstock, something more than just synths and samples were lost in what seems to be an attempt to fit into a more popular genre.
A genre and shift in tone is hardly out of the question for the band, with one of their peers, Crying, similarly transitioning from quirky chiptune to more traditional reflective rock without losing their core appeal.
However, as it stands, this EP is a rather lukewarm foray.
At eleven minutes long, TOTEP is likely more of an experiment than a fully fledged EP- a sampler of things likely to come later this year. While KKB may want to distance themselves from the gloss of their previous work, hopefully they’ll be able to put out something unpolished rather than half-baked.
(01/05/18 5:50pm)
For reference, I’m directly ripping off this Grantland article, and that’s all the context you should need.
Everything on this list is based purely on hypotheticals. There’s always a nonzero chance that the musician you’re fighting actually has Anderson Silva-level chops and will lay you out. So again, don’t fight indie musicians.
With that in mind, here’s the list anyways.
Mac Demarco
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Mac Demarco was grown in a lab by Big Tobacco to fight the rise of vaping among middle class white kids and get them hooked on cheap cigarettes to be indie. Not only does this mean they’ll come after you if you ruin their investment, it also means that he can phase in and out of a smoke state like Reaper from Overwatch. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Mac Demarco.
Kurt Vile
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
I get the feeling that Kurt Vile has the same temperament and tenacity of a roach. Even if you did win, he’s so grimy that you’d probably get some sort of infection and die later. Don’t fight Kurt Vile.
Kevin Parker (Tame Impala)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: YES
“They say people never change, but that’s bullshit, they do.” You know what doesn’t change, Kevin Parker? The probability of you catching these hands for writing such a terrible line and then somehow getting a 9.3 from Pitchfork for it. See you at Maccas, you Aussie bastard.
Sufjan Stevens
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Sufjan would let you beat him up, but hurting Sufjan is like hurting a puppy, or a unicorn. I will personally hunt you down and break all 206 bones in your body if you if you lay a single finger on Sufjan. Don’t fight Sufjan.
John Darnielle (The Mountain Goats)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
John Darnielle is hands down the toughest motherfucker on this list. From his Wikipedia article:
"While We Shall All Be Healed focused on Darnielle's years as a teenager involved with other methamphetamine users, The Sunset Tree focuses on his childhood, and a recurring theme is domestic violence."
Don’t fight John Darnielle.
Alex Turner (Arctic Monkeys)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
You’d think that Alex Turner is just boneless Julian Casablancas, but all the hairgel he uses has made his head invulnerable, and he’s gotten very handy with a switchblade. That’s also not to mention that if you fight him, the rest of the band will show up and it’ll turn into a fight from West Side Story. Don’t do it, unless you have also have three other friends, four leather jackets, four cans of American Crew Pomade, four switchblades, and a wicked sense of rhythm.
Ezra Koenig (Vampire Weekend)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: YES
I know everyone’s fawning over Neo Yokio because of that Toblerone scene and some jokes about communism, but it really wasn’t that good and I’m saying that as the ultra-ironic socialist teen that it’s clearly pandering to. He deserves to get faded for wasting his time on that instead of working on the new album.
Robin Pecknold (Fleet Foxes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Recently, my boy Luke made a comment on one of Fleet Foxes’ IG pics jokingly asking, “Pitchfork 2018?” and it got liked by the official Fleet Foxes IG account, basically confirming that they’re headlining Pitchfork this year. If you fight Robin Pecknold and take the opportunity to see them from Luke, he will kill you. Don’t do it.
Julian Casablancas (The Strokes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Filthy rich private boarding school kid who’s likely going through his midlife crisis right now- easy win, but would it be worth it? The man once basically codified the ‘00s garage rock revival aesthetic, but what is he now? He’s a shell of his former self. I mean, christ, he played Riot Fest. Also, his daddy would sue. Don’t do it.
Annie Clark (St. Vincent)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
Annie Clark’s exposure to jazz at Berklee has made her attack patterns unpredictable, and apparently even David Byrne couldn’t make heads or tails of who she really is even after a year of touring together and a joint album. She’s a wild card in the truest sense. Don’t do it.
Stu Mackenzie (King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: RATTLESNAKE
Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattlesnake. Rattle, rattle, rattle...
Grimes
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: YES
At the time of writing, Grimes’s last two tweets were about eating ants and getting permanent vampire veneers so she could bite people. Whatever happens, the result is bound to be entertaining. Just make sure it gets uploaded to Worldstarhiphop when it happens.
Jack White (The White Stripes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: MAYBE
Did you ever see It Might Get Loud? Jack White seems like the kind of dude who’d actually try to make a deal with the devil at the crossroads, which means that either he’s a fucking nerd who you could easily mollywhop, or it actually worked and he’ll use mystical demon powers to vaporize you. Personally, I wouldn’t risk it, but maybe you want to shake out a new album from him.
Meg White (The White Stripes)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
The reason no one has seen Meg White in like ten years is because she’s been training in an isolated Tibetian monastery like Iron Fist, but less racist. Her legs are like clubs and her hands like blades. She is stronger than steel and hardier than Chomolungma. Her last task was to climb to the top of Mt. Everest and kill a yeti with her bare hands. If you fight her, your funeral will have to be closed casket. Don’t do it.
Jeff Mangum (Neutral Milk Hotel)
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
The fact that Jeff Mangum is a time traveller means that he can stop time using his stand, 「THE WORLD」, like Dio from Jojo. Just leave him and Astra/Caroline/Anne alone to their happily married life.
Father John Misty
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
When Josh Tillman fell into the vat of pure, radioactive Irony™ that made him Father John Misty, he became more than human. He sees things that we don’t. Nothing he says makes an ounce of sense. Also, he microdoses on LSD. Don’t fight Father John Misty.
Morrissey
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: HELL YES
I didn’t include the odds because the odds don’t matter- you should fight Morrissey any chance you get. There is no one in America who will fault you for fighting Morrissey. In fact, I guarantee that people will straight up lend you their energy so you can spirit bomb him like in Dragonball Z. Fight Morrissey. Fight him for humanity.
(Sandy) Alex G
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO, BUT IF YOU DID, YOU’D BE SAFE
The dude makes solid, nondescript indie rock, so I don’t know why you’d want to fight him. But, if you do, I think you’d be safe- I saw Alex when he rolled into town at The Bishop, and the dude was like, 5’4” compared to his bandmates. Also, this LNWY article basically reveals his address, so he’d probably be the easiest one to find on this list.
Joanna Newsom
SHOULD YOU FIGHT THEM?: NO
I know she’s mainly known for making soft ethereal harp music, which would make you think at first that it’d be an easy fight. The thing that people always forget though is that she’s married to Andy Samberg, which indicates that he likely sees his same manic energy in her, which bodes extremely badly for you. Don’t.