From the diaphragm of Alex Jones, the man that captivated the country with enough conspiracy theories to make Hillary Clinton create a Trump attack ad featuring them, we bring you a carefully scrutinized compilation that demonstrates the power of his voice, metaphorically and physically. It’s highly recommended that you make sure your listening device is set to play audio via ‘stereo’ as opposed to ‘mono’, and also that you’re using the highest quality headphones you can acquire. Without being snobbish, we cannot overstress the importance of the depth of your auditory experience with these lush soundscapes. While his sounds are flawless on their own, they can only be enhanced by the numerous effects that the audio editing program Audacity has to offer, especially when liberally applied. After gorging yourself on these succulent, heavily-processed cuts, we recommend clearing your pallet by guzzling down some of this herbal supplement drink he sells on his website, which “provides up to 77 minerals from prehistoric plants in their unaltered colloidal form, in a great tasting liquid supplement that kids will love!”.
The signature Alex Jones scream is also his mating call, which can attract possible companions up to a 50-mile radius. It also works on anyone listening through headphones, like me. I cannot deny the raw power these primitive vibrations possess, as I have found myself getting butterflies in my stomach multiple times during listening and post-processing. This is the irresistible sound of a man who could eat an entire cow bite-by-bite and then use the horns as a toothpick. Alex, if you are reading this, please slide into my DMs. I will stop drinking water with fluoride for you if that is what it takes. I will be your Lady Liberty for a night. I don’t even have to mention the fact that this sound was edited and looped over and over again purely for my enjoyment, but I will anyway. Thank you, Audacity.
The sheer force and bass presence of this sound is simultaneously fascinating and terrifying. The word sounds as if it is meant to evoke something primal within Mankind. It envelops you, surrounds you in the pulsating, bulbous mass that is his neck and propels you into the heavens, much like the same way “CUMMIN’” explodes out of his mouth. This cavernous power is amplified further when the sound is pitched down, burning Jones’ register into my wet dreams for eternity.
There’s a lot to digest here. What I think is most impressive about this is how clean and crisp each movement of his throat and vocal cords is. He rasps and gargles constantly, and you’re able to hear air pockets entering and leaving the mixture of mucus and saliva coating his throat. Concluding the piece is a half squawk of pleasure, half startled yelp- as if he was finally able to expel a large mass of flesh from some cavity. When we add a bit of Audacity’s default “wah wah” effect it sounds more like he has been wounded in the lung by some enormous predator, and has no choice but to cry and gasp for breath with his torn lungs. Another win from Audacity.
Jones is again displaying masterful oratory brilliance with this tirade. It is expertly crafted; the opening lines feature complex dynamic shifts and pauses that leave your heart pounding. It all leads up to a hurried apology about being “sweaty and pissed” and a truly gorgeous, guttural display of grunts and croaks. Audacity was a boon here; for your enjoyment we’ve slowed them down towards the end of the track so you can ride with Jones as he cruises effortlessly through the various slimy flaps lining his insides, and join in the lamentation for the Goddess That Is The West.
Hey Alex, me again. I’m still entranced by your sweet siren song of death and destruction, and it sounds even better pitched up and down with Audacity. Man, what a voice. If scientists in a remote facility in Nevada managed to splice the DNA of a lion and a frog, but still make the offspring appear human, you would share its voice. You would also make a video on this facility, because that’s how you earn an income and stay moderately relevant. That was harsh. I am sorry, Mr. Jones. I want you to throw me onto an American flag and yell into my ear for 20 minutes straight. The real “Info War” is how hard I am going to fight to get your contact info. Seriously, text me any time. I will fly to you just to hear that hypnotic gargle you so expertly do. Alex Jones is a real man, and he sounds even better with a dozen different Audacity effects applied to that sweet instrument he calls a throat.
Overall Alex Jones Rating: 6.3/7