“VH1 Hates You”
Because I am a sadist and have a ridiculous amount of free time, I have spent more time than I would like to admit thinking about how the VH1’s Top Songs of the 2000’s list would be compiled. I had extremely, extremely low expectations for this list, but somehow VH1 managed to exceed my lowest expectations and posted possibly the worst representation of music that the 2000s had to offer. Even if music were a kitten, VH1 would still try and murder it. This list further proves that VH1 has the same expertise for music as the cast of Jersey Shore has for reading. Did you think a best of the 2000s list could be complete without Nickelback, the Black Eyed Peas, Miley Cyrus, Ke$ha and even the abomination that is Creed? I sure did. But VH1 hates music… and you. I never thought I would type this, but please stick with the Flavor Flav programming, VH1.
“Highlights” of the List
100. Sisqo- “The Thong Song”
Rated Higher Than: Thousands of songs of the last decade
Lyrical Highlight: She had dumps like a truck truck truck/Thighs like what what what/Baby move your butt butt butt (The Bob Dylan of the 2000’s?)
In an effort to deter crime, state legislators have attempted to replace the death penalty with mandatory listening to Sisqo. The Supreme Court has ruled that being forced to listen to Sisqo constitutes “cruel and unusual” punishment.
90. Mystikal- “Shake Ya Ass”
Rated Higher Than: Thousands of songs of the last decade
Lyrical Highlight: Shake ya ass /But watch ya self /Shake ya ass /Show me what you workin with
The greatest moment of Mystikal’s life was when he won his 3rd grade spelling bee. Unfortunately, he was also 27.
77. Nickelback- “How You Remind Me”
Rated Higher Than: M.I.A. – “Paper Planes” (89), Bruce Springsteen-“The Rising” (81), Thousands of other songs of the last decade.
Lyrical Highlight: Yeah, yeah/Are we having fun yet/Yeah, yeah/Are we having fun yet?
It took VH1 executives hundreds of hours to decide if this song was by Nickelback, Puddle of Mudd, Theory of a Deadman, Creed, Fuel, Finger Eleven or Chevelle .
61. Kelis- “Milkshake” (REALLY??!!)
Rated Higher Than: Rated Higher Than: M.I.A. – “Paper Planes” (89), Bruce Springsteen-“The Rising” (81), Thousands of other songs of the last decade.
Lyrical Highlight: C’mon, you all know the lyrical highlight to this one.
Contrary to popular belief, this song is not about a delicious dairy beverage.
60. Ke$ha-“Tik Tok”
Rated Higher Than: Rated Higher Than: M.I.A. – “Paper Planes” (89), Bruce Springsteen-“The Rising” (81), Thousands of other songs of the last decade.
Lyrical Highlight: Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy.
Ke$ha is what happens when herpes learns how to sing.
38. Miley Cyrus- “Party in the U.S.A.”
Rated Higher Than: M.I.A. – “Paper Planes” (89), Bruce Springsteen-“The Rising”, The Killers- “Mr. Brightside” (55), Blink-182- “All the Small Things” (53), Adele- “Chasing Pavements” (39), Thousands of other songs of the last decade.
Lyrical Highlight: I got my hands up/They’re playin’ my song/I know I’m gonna be OK/Yeah, it’s a party in the USA/Yeah, it’s a party in the USA
We all know the video to this song isn’t an accurate description of a Miley Cyrus party. A Miley Cyrus party has much more salvia.
30. Gwen Stefani- “Hollaback Girl.”
Rated Higher Than: M.I.A. – “Paper Planes” (89), Bruce Springsteen-“The Rising”, The Killers- “Mr. Brightside” (55), Blink-182- “All the Small Things” (53), Adele- “Chasing Pavements” (39), Johnny Cash- “Hurt” (33), Thousands of other songs of the last decade
Lyrical Highlight: Let me hear you say, this shit is bananas/ B A N A N A S/ This shit is bananas/B A N A N A S
If someone could actually explain what a Hollaback girl is, they’d probably win a Nobel Prize. But to be honest, maybe there are some things that should be left undiscovered. Also, the fact that this song is rated higher than “Hurt” is slowly killing my soul.
12. Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling”
Rated Higher Than: M.I.A. – “Paper Planes” (89), Bruce Springsteen-“The Rising”, The Killers- “Mr. Brightside” (55), Blink-182- “All the Small Things” (53), Adele- “Chasing Pavements” (39), Johnny Cash- “Hurt” (33), The White Stripes-“ Seven Nation Army” (26), Jay Z- “99 Problems” (21), Gnarles Barkley- “Crazy” (14), Thousands of other songs of the last decade.
Lyrical Highlight: I cannot decide between the BEPs literally singing the days of the week or them randomly yelling Jewish holidays.
After the Black Eyed Pea’s abysmal Superbowl halftime performance, the FCC considered fining the Black Eyed Peas for the newly created federal offense “aural assault”.
THANKS VH1 FOR MAKING FUTURE GENERATIONS THINK OUR GENERATION’S MUSIC WAS TERRIBLE.
By: Mitchell Potts
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1 comment
anonymous says:
Oct 7, 2011
In defense of VH1, people with bad taste in real music will always be in the majority. In our “decade generation’s”(right term?)defense, we had no control over who was making the music of our decade. The blame should be placed on the 90′s teens that became the artists of the 2000′s. What our decade’s generation can be blamed for is making the bad music popular. Our judgement was not well developed and at 11 years old if all you heard was Nickleback, you would think it was popular and try to fit in with the other kids by liking the “popular” thing. You would be in denial if you never admitted to doing “popular” things unless you were rich which made you automatically popular and you grew up having no idea why people always wanting to be like you.
Conclusion: Our generation deserves to be represented by this music and we may never have to admit that we liked it at the time but there was a little something in everyone at the time that liked “The thong song”. And think about it. Our decade generation had Britney Spears and The Backstreet Boys at the end of the 90′s (which college students must have DREADED), and the next decade generation had Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber at the end of 00′s. The cycle go on and on.